The Holly Leaf
by AccountClosedCept4PMingPhoenix
Summary: This is a collection of short oneshots and perhaps poems about Hollyleaf - betrayal, guilt, suffering, deprivation, and many more are all themes I hope to incorporate into her life of tragedy with my humble fan-made story!  Okay, that summary sucked.
1. Chapter 1

Just because I stopped caring, you call me insane. Just because I clung to my beliefs, you call me obsessed. Just because I defended my Clan, you call me a murderer. Just because I did what no one else could, you call me a traitor. Just because I remember the lies, you call me unforgiving. Just because I remembered the hurt, you call me cold hearted.

After all the pain, after all the suffering... No. I won't be self-pitying like that wretched excuse for a mother, Squirrelflight.

Yes, perhaps I am coldhearted. There's a reason. In this cold, cruel world, there are two options. To be like Leafpool - weak and unable to cope with the consequences of your mistakes and the lies, or to be hard; to do what has to be done. I chose the only option that would keep my heart beating.

It's all very well to be noble. It's all very well to forgive. It's all very well to be the good one... the perfect example.

But I wasn't perfect, was I? I had other ambitions, other ideas. I wasn't _exactly_ like the rest of them.

_I_ wasn't one of the three.

Nothing would ever be the same, not after the lie. IT wasn't just Squirrelflight and Leafpool that lied to me, it was StarClan. The cats I put my faith in above all else lied to me, and betrayed me.

It's all very well to be perfect, but what about the ones that aren't? They are the ones that are criticised.

My brother's made up a very convincing shining lie. They told everyone of my bravery, and they held vigil. But after a while, they all forgot.

Well, sometimes it pays off to be cold hearted.

**Okay, so here's how it works. This will be various oneshots, and perhaps poems about Hollyleaf. It won't be updated periodically, like my other stories, as I'm very busy. But I will try to update it regularly.  
>Now, just to let you know, I am a SCREAMING Hollyleaf fan. Let me take a moment to say SCREAMING again. <strong><strong>Her life is so tragic, I just can't believe that people don't like her and criticize her. <strong>**I understand that several people don't like her, but I do. If you don't like her, then you don't need to read stories about her. If you review (which I encourage you to do!), please tell me about how you like (or didn't like) my _writing._ Whether you like Hollyleaf or not is an entirely different issue. I'd be interested to hear if you like her or not, why, and stuff like that in your review. _However_, please tell me something about my writing. I'd like to receive your opinion on my writing, not whether you like her or not alone. So, keeping in mind what I said, there are two great videos I watched on youtube which got me all inspired for this. If I can post the links, I can. If not, they are called 'Hollyleaf's Inner Strength', and HollyLeaf Hurt'. They are awesome videos! **

**(insert youtube here!).com/watch?NR=1&v=NFsfuVcdhZg**

**and**

**(insert youtube here!).com/watch?NR=1&feature=fvwp&v=oW4JruqIXA4**


	2. Guilty

Of all the emotions I thought I might feel after it was all over, guilt was never one of them.

Hurt. Pain. Loss. Betrayal. Longing. Righteousness. Happiness. Peace.

I could list many moons worth of emotions I thought I might have felt.

Guilt never crossed my mind.

And after it all, why should I feel guilty? The answer whispers itself in my mind.

I killed Ashfur.

There were so many reasons, though.

He tried to kill me.

He tried to kill my leader.

He wanted to destroy ThunderClan.

But didn't I destroy ThunderClan in the same way? I told everyone the secret.

My claws sink deeper into the ground. Is this all my fault? Did I bring this upon myself.

_No._ This isn't my doing. It can't be.

But is it?

They betrayed me.

They lied to me since my birth.

My life was torn apart.

Shouldn't I have every right to tear apart those with the same words that tore apart mine?

But I tore apart ThunderClan. I caused unbearable rifts, and I created a weakness.

_That_ is where I went wrong. I admit that I went wrong in telling everyone, but what was I supposed to do?

Be strong. Live with it.

It sounds so easy, doesn't it; be strong like everyone else, keep the secret, keep lying day in and day out, just be perfect like everyone else...

Well, I wanted the truth. I wanted everyone to just tell the truth. If they had told the truth in the first place, then my life wouldn't have been ruined.

Of course, I had other reasons for killing Ashfur.

He was spurned by my 'mother'. That didn't give him the excuse to try to kill me, or her.

He tried to kill my leader. That is inexcusable. The Clan Leader's word is law, and a Clan cat should obey that, no matter what.

But what about RiverClan?

That doesn't matter. They were in need of help, and I didn't try to kill Firestar.

Am I sustaining myself on lies, telling myself I was right to do as I did?

Maybe I am.

The thing is, I'll never know.

I sink deeper into the whirlwind of confusion, the storm of my mind. From one question, instead of an answer, there springs another question. I race in circles trying to catch my own tail. In the end, my circles lead me to a brook, with a dead body bobbing in it.

But it is not he who is sinking, it is I. I am sinking down through the treachery and lies of others, to the bottom of a bottomless pit; clutching at the shadowy idea of truth.

I have to keep telling myself that I was right, because otherwise I will spiral down into madness.

**Well... okay, I know it kept going in different directions. That ended up being part of what I was trying to show, how torn apart she would have been. **

**Thanks for reading,**

**~Iceshadow~**


	3. Hollyleaf's Plea

**This is actually my first ever fanfiction on this site. Feel the warm glow. I decided to put all my Hollyleaf oneshots together in one, so here we go... my first ever fanfiction here.**

Hollyleaf... my justification

Nothing I can say will make you understand. I know that, but don't look down at me for what I did. What I did? What are you talking about? You want to know why I killed Ashfur? I was talking about what I did to my own mother, and the cat that looked after me. But why I killed Ashfur... maybe that's part of why I feel so guilty. I killed Ashfur because he was going to tell everyone exactly _what_ I was at that gathering. I know I told them myself, stop interrupting. I would like to say that I killed Ashfur because he was a traitor. But that wasn't my reason. My reason was simple. I didn't want to become a faceless rogue. Just another _thing_ you kill to protect your Clan.

I wanted to be Clan Leader more than anything. I knew that my ambition would never be satisfied if Ashfur told the truth. Now I don't know why I thought that. Firestar let's kittypets into the Clan... and I'm clan born. But I think it had something more to do with me than with Firestar or Ashfur. I was the daughter of a medicine cat_and_ I was half-clan. That destroyed me. I killed Ashfur. There _is_ no justification for that. I did not kill him for justice because he was a traitor.

Why did I tell everyone myself at the gathering? Because some part of me still wanted to believe in the warrior code, even if it had come crashing down around my ears like those tunnels. That part of me thought that telling everyone the truth would be the warrior code. But I was wrong. And when my friend Cinderheart tried to tell me I didn't want to believe her. I am truly sorry for what I put everyone through, and not just because I now hover between StarClan and the Dark Forest, between life and death.

Leafpool and Squirrelflight, Lionblaze and Jayfeather, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. Leafpool and Squirrelflight, for hurting you so and hating you so. My dear brothers for leaving you. I only did what I think was right, and I think I have learned something from it.

The warrior code is not always right.

But I will live by it, no matter where I am. If I go to the Dark Forest then so be it. I will follow the code even there. The warrior code is my life.

So please StarClan, let me join you and tell everyone how sorry I am! Or let me live and let me become... no, I cannot want to become Clan Leader anymore. I will never achieve my life ambition. It would destroy my Clan... but I still want it more than anything. More than following the code?

Sometimes the warrior code is broken no matter what... but I will always try my best to follow it, even if it means I will not become Clan Leader.


	4. What would have happened

**Thanks to Poisoned Black Hollyleaf, Kagome996, Spottedwind19, and 14Foxtail for reviewing the original story.**

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED

What would have happened?

What if Hollyleaf had never gone to the tunnels? She would have lived, that's what. She would have had her whole life in front of her. Here's the day...

Hollyleaf felt guilty. But strangely, everything felt better when she looked over at the fresh kill pile, and saw Mousewhisker smiling at her. Normally, she would have just smiled back, and gotten back to thinking about Ashfur. _But he had to die! _She screamed inwardly. She looked back to Mousewhisker. He smiled again. _He doesn't care about Ashfur... _She thought. _He didn't know Ashfur..._ she reminded herself. She suddenly felt the overpowering urge to tell him. Why? She didn't know.

But as she crossed to the freshkill pile, Foxleap leapt in front of her. "Hi Hollyleaf!" He mewed cheerfully.

"Oh... uh... hi." She didn't know why she was stuttering.

"Will you go hunting with me?"

Before she knew it, she found herself saying, "Sure."

Mousewhisker looked disappointed. She couldn't help it though! He padded up, saying, "Hollyleaf, after you go hunting could you help me patrol the border? Firestar told me I could lead a patrol, so I thought I would pick the best cats for the job."

Best cat for the job. He had called her the _best cat for the job._ Suddenly her life didn't seem so bad anymore. "Sure, Mousewhisker. I'd love too."

Foxleap seemed grumpy as they trudged through the forest. Hollyleaf wondered why. She noticed his tail twitching, as if he was going to say something. Looking back, she realized her tail was twitching too, towards him. She couldn't stop her tail, and before long she noticed that he was edging towards her, too. Why? She noticed her paws moving towards him, too. Then, a squirrel ran by.

They returned to camp with their jaws full of prey. Mousewhisker looked sour, and beckoned Hollyleaf. Hollyleaf said, "Isn't it a bit late for the patrol?"

Mousewhisker didn't look at her. "I held it off. We needed all the cats."

"Who else is coming?"

"No-one."

Hollyleaf's whisker's twitched. What? She wanted to be thinking, _but two cats can't do a patrol!_, but instead she was thinking, _no-one! No-one else is coming! We can be all alone with each other! Maybe I can tell him about..._

She looked over to see Foxleap gawking after Rosepetal. Well, she thought, if he's gawking over another shecat I might as well go with Mousewhisker. They looked across the Riverclan border. They could see the sparkling water dancing in the sunlight. "Isn't it beautiful?" Mousewhisker said.

"Yes," Hollyleaf said quietly pressing her pelt to his. "Mousewhisker... I have to tell you something."

"What?" He said, in complete innocence of what she was going to say. _This could ruin everything_, something in Hollyleaf's mind said. _But you can't tell him you love him and have his kits - whoa... did you just think KITS? I guess... that's not the point. You can't have a relationship with someone that is built on a lie._

"Mousewhisker... I killed Ashfur."

His eyes grew wide.

"Why?"

She told him about the secret revealed in storm and fire. He looked at her, and for a heart beat she thought he might spit in her face. But he said, "You did what had to be done. But why did you reveal it at the gathering?"

"Because... I couldn't bear the truth."

"Then why not let Ashfur tell everything?"

"He would have twisted it... distorted it beyond proportion. He would have made ThunderClan weak. And he tried to kill Firestar."

Mousewhisker was quiet. "I admire you for what you were able to do, Hollyleaf. We will keep this secret... my love."

Hollyleaf didn't know what to say. He had called her, _my love._ "I love you too, Mousewhisker." Hollyleaf murmured quietly. "Our kits will be beautiful."

"Yes. They will." He agreed. "They'll have their mother's integrity and loyalty to the code,"

"And their father's good looks!" Hollyleaf finished for him.

They purred, standing together before the sunset... in their home.


	5. Last Wish

**Thanks to Poisoned Black Hollyleaf and King Wildwind for reviewing the original story.**

Last Wish

Hollyleaf - No-one will ever love me again

As I raced towards the tunnels, thoughts raced as fast through my mind. I was in the medicine cat den again, telling her to kill herself. But it wouldn't really be killing herself, because I would be the one forcing her to do it.

She told me she loved me. For a minute, I didn't realize what I had said. She had just told me she loved me, and I told her to die. But I remembered, and my moment of pity for her was gone. In all my life, the warrior code was the only thing left for me to hold on to. Then that had been broken away, snatched out of my paws. The warrior code was just like me... my life had been broken by those two she-cats just like the code had. My brothers didn't understand me.

I confessed. I told her I killed Ashfur, but I held my insistent thought was the difference? Between Ashfur and Leafpool? They had both broken the warrior code, they both deserved to die.

It would be easier for her to die than live. A growl rose in my throat as I thought she was my mother. Well, she deserved it. Why couldn't she just have stayed in the nursery with us, come clean instead of making me grow up with lies stopping my every breath, my heart. Why couldn't she just have stayed with us? They all found out anyway, but I know what she's thinking. I can almost hear her saying, _'They found out because of you.'_ But it's all her fault! I just told the truth.

She will never feel as much pain as I do, NEVER. She deserves all the pain she can get. She ripped my life apart, and left me to bleed slowly to death on sharp jagged stones. SHE gashed her claws through me time and time again until I had no blood left, then she dragged my body away into the black depths of the lake. She killed Ashfur.

I am no longer a warrior. She is no longer a medicine cat. We are all_ nothing,_ because of lies. And I am going mad. The end was when I destroyed the mouse in front of Hazeltail. I had ripped up a piece of prey that could have fed my Clan, and for a moment it felt as if it were my fault; as if the mouse was the warrior code.

And after everything, there was still the indignation and shock deep down that I'm part WindClan. _No,_ I tell myself. I'm a ThunderClan cat, through and through! Nothing will change that, nothing. Not Squirrelflight and Leafpool lying to us, not Firestar looking down at me in shock as I announced the secret, not Brambleclaw looking at me in hurt as I revealed how his mate had lied to him... not the look on Ashfur's face as I killed the traitor. I should be remembered a hero for it, and Jayfeather and Lionblaze shouldn't have to cover up the secret. Brambleclaw killed Hawkfrost, because he tried to make Brambleclaw kill Firestar. Why shouldn't I be remembered a hero, because Ashfur helped Hawkfrost? No. Leafpool **forgave **me. She shouldn't have to. **I should be remembered a HERO.**

But I won't be. I will be remembered as the cat who ran away. They'll see through the lie. But my last wish still lingers...

To stand on the High Ledge, looking down on ThunderClan. _My_ Clan.

They'll always be my Clan, but that was ripped away from me.

And if I find you, Sol... I will make you pay. I won't kill my own mother, not now, but I have no qualms about making you pay.


	6. I Just Wanna Run

**The song for this songfic is I Just Wanna Run by Downtown Fiction. I do not own the song. The lyrics can be found online, I would highly recommend listening to it on Youtube while you read.**

**Thanks to Poisoned Black Hollyleaf, Rockstar of ThundaClan, Wildstorm of WhisperingClan, and Flame Rose Girl for reviewing the original story.**

(Verse_ One)_

I couldn't stand the thought of what would happen to me if I didn't run. Run, run, away. Away from my life. Away from everything I knew. But most of all, away from myself. And away from those judging eyes that I felt looked down on me. StarClan didn't care about me. They never had.

_(Verse Two)_

Why do cats think StarClan is so wise? I followed their code all my life and look where it got me. Dead. Left all alone. A stranger. And outsider. A murderer.

_(Verse Three)_

I repeat my reasons. But they have lost all meaning. Ashfur would destroy us. He killed and betrayed Firestar, our leader. He would destroy ThunderClan.

_(Verse Four)_

I just want to run away! Run, run, run away from all of it! I tried to escape the blood staining my paws, and I did... but not in the way I intended. Why couldn't I get away? why why why couldn't I just run away?_  
><em>

_(Verse Five)_

I know you through and through, Ashfur. I know what you will do at the gathering, and I'm going to prevent it. Like a game of chess, I know where you'll be. I predict your move, I know what you'll do. I think I know you better, I know the traitor you are. Better than you do, you don't know me. YOu think I'm just a Clan cat bound to the code, even though I hate you. I'm sick of feeling cheap, like I didn't need to do what I did. Cheated and abused, if I had known where it would lead I wouldn't have done it. Sick of losing sleep, thinking about you, you deserved it.

You don't deserve a place in StarClan. If I find you have become a StarClan warrior and I end up in the dark forest, I will hunt you down. I will hunt you down. You will regret it. I can echo my voice through StarClan. You will be sorry, Ashfur. And if I am in StarClan, and you in the Dark Forest I will haunt you for all eternity. You will regret what you did.  
>Yet under my prison of rock and dirt, I stir. I stir. I stir under the ground. Perhaps it is not I that will haunt you, but you that will haunt me.<br>My eyes flicked open.


End file.
